I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
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[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
The Birdles
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?