I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
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If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
decorating my apartment
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.