I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
whenever i wake up before my alarm
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.