I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.