Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.