I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.