Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

“you look easy to draw”

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.