Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

i want the dreams to chase me for once

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.