Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.