Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”