Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid