Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas