Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
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Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.