I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
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When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
😆this is so true
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.