I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
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Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Beards are a privilege, not a right
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.