Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*