I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Left at a local drug store…
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
oh you like nyc? name every rat
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly