I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
The three genders.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
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When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
