Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.