Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…

Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

It’s a gift

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

Hank is one in a melon.