I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Ok, but like, how married are you?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.