I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I’ve had relationships like this
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Planet of the Apps.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*