I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
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FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
Quadruple digit IQ
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.