I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
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“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
$3 #books
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”