Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

☠️ ☠️

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”