Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

Meanwhile in Canada…

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

Breaking news:

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that