Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

I came this close!!!!

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Does it…does it take 3 days

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.