Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

That’s commitment

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.