I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
a public service announcement
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
The human personality is made of five key elements
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
How do you milk an almond?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.