I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE