I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
*skinny dips into black hole
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Not even remotely sorry.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.