I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
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They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
There are no pants in heaven.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?