Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?