I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
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adam and eve had first world problems
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
sigh
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?