Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.