Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.