“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
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[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Americans keep saying they want to move to Canada.
As if Canada were even a real place.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– most kinds of bear
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.