@skittle624

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

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@TheBoydP

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

@ericsshadow

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

@RapeyRaperton

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

@funnyordie

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

@JediGigi

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

@Vodkantots

Americans keep saying they want to move to Canada.

As if Canada were even a real place.

@dumbbeezie

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

@caseytduncan

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

@roxiqt

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

@ericsshadow

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.