I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
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Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I was bored.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.