Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

oh u like geography? name every lake

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”