Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

i have one speed and it’s mosey

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir