Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that