I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
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family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings