Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

Before & after 😅

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

New Tinder profile.

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.

me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave