Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

I don’t hate children, just yours.

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”