Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

How dramatic are you?

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.