I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
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Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Remember folks 😂
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152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
kevin is now a local weatherman
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high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.