Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct