I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
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Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
This meeting could have been a cake
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
My teenage children choosing violence
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.