I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.