Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
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Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
For the baby who has everything
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok