I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
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I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine