I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
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Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
