Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

how to market bottled water to dads

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

Everything reminds me of my ex

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

You can’t outrun your problems…