“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
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[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.