“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
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I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Good news
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Every work meeting this week
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.