@matsmoustache

I don’t even understand Fantasy Football.

There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks.

I call bullshit.

You Might Also Like

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

@JaneEJuanita

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

@mo_HoC7

I’ve read this at least 5 times and still don’t have a clue what’s going on 😂😭😭

@respected_loner

whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i’ll hack into their security cameras real fast
[types “job openings” into google]

@PaperFury

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

@ZanyJaney11

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

@P1ssed_K1d

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

@jus4golf

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

@bobvulfov

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator