Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.