I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
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Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”