Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

Cucumbers Anonymous

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

(Musicians.)

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.