Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

Seems kinda suspicious

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”