I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
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The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
