I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
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I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I want what they have
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management