I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
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drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.