I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
You Might Also Like
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
God, I love Scotland
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto