I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
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I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why