Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.