I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
You Might Also Like
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
prepare for carbonated trouble
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Me too, bag. Me too….
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”