I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
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90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
#MeanwhileinCanada
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*