I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
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do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
when unicorns get really drunk
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed