Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”