I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
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In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us