Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

rise and shine we got egg

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”