I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
constantly working on myself.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
horrifying if literal: the electric slide