Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.