Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

[Inventing Canadians]

Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!

God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.