I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
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Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
new record!
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
this isn’t threatening at all
