I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
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surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.