I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
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Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.