I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
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I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls