I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
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The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I hope it’s French Onion!
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Proctologist = Analyst
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’