Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.