Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.