Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

rise and shine we got egg

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

At least he brought enough for everyone

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.